Montana Tour Day Three,Four, and Five

Kamloops, the city we are rehearsing in, is one of the only places in Canada to be classified as "desert". The land is jutting and exposed, layers of brown with only the occasional manicured green lawn for reprief. It is so dry here that M.'s eyes are going red with her contacts in, all of our skin seems to be drinking up the moisturizer we put on it, and even the ground itself seems to crack open.

I have become a bit of a semi-aried desert myself of late. Rehersals are HARD, physically exhausting and technically demanding, we all struggle to retain the dances we are learning. Its hard to present a confidant front when each hour seems to break down your self-esteem. My carefully presented surface is cracking under stress,exhaustion, and critique. Because all of the company is living together while we are on tour it is impossible to hide anything. I do not like to show weakness, especially here, as I already feel like the underdog in this group -- having far less dance training and ability. But I have not been able to hide.I am spent...completely. The girls noticed and M tried to give me a hug, I refused. Sometimes I feel like love is like water in a desert. It exactly what I need, but even one drop with bring the whole pillar of sand crumbling down, leaving me a muddy mess.

The girls allowed me more time and I crumbled all on my own. You see my father died in Kamloops 2 years ago. I avoid coming here because of that. To make matters worse the hospice he died in is literally a block from where all of us are staying - I drive by it every day on the way to rehearsal. Very few people know much of this part of my life and sharing it with the dancers I thought would leave me powerless.

It didn't.

Crying with them was a relief. I was bare and exposed and it was wonderful. The desert seems harsh at first, the rocks and dirt a rough replacement for the greenery of home...but I am learning that it can be beautiful. When the sun sets here it is amazing the pinks of the sky with the orange brown of the ground makes you feel swirled into the landscape...like a hug. The time for refusing love has come to an end.