On Choking (and other issues pertaining to breathing)

Choking is my call to community. Its not odd when you think about it, really, I mean it is the wake up call to the one-man islands, to the cocky singles, to the isolated hermits: we are not enough on our own.

I was just outside soaking in the sun on a lazy summer evening, enjoying the immense space -- both literal and internal -- that this phase of my life resides in. I am single in a very contented way. Today no communal urges (which tend to range from horniness to loneliness) pulled at me. So I lay down and read my book and bathed in the beauty of being 23. Until an ant the size of a hippo crawled on my bare tummy. Then I sat up, but then the white of the pages of my book caught the suns rays and glared up into my eyes. I gave up and headed inside for a drink of water. A tall cold glass of water still fit the sensuous freedom of my evening. But then I swallowed weird, ended up choking, and spewed water all over the counter in an effort to avoid drowning.

This sadly is not an unknown occurrence for me. I do not have 'coordination of the epiglottis'.

But choking is also a divine reminder for me. God tapping me gently on the shoulder (or trachea) to remind me that while contentment is wonderful, community is still needed. Treating myself to evenings of self-indulgent relaxation can be beautiful -- but if I do not share life with family, friends, the random old guy on the street that smiles in an ambiguous way, I am missing out. I will relax myself right into a pathetic obituary "young woman dies of clumsy swallowing: glass of water proves fatal". Well perhaps I am exaggerating. But my point is, while we often grow frustrated with our communities, dream of time to be alone, and wish to avoid the hubbub around us -- they are the arm that is raised waiting to heimlich us back to life. Without community we become indulgent creatures that choke on our own isolation. Choking reminds me that no woman is an island... and also that drowning is possible with a very small amount of water.

And hey next time you see me, make sure I am drinking with a straw.

J

Watch out I'm merging...

Some people are born risk takers - they seem almost casual about leaping into commitment- be it financial, relational, or career. This, however, is not me.
I am currently typing this on the first computer I have ever bought. Yes, I was a computer virgin. I made it through four years of university without feeling the urge to drop some dough on a laptop. Actually I take that back, I felt the urge I just fought it. In fact fighting urges is something I have made into an art form. (I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m not just a computer virgin.)
Well my current car is at 280,000 km and the need to purchase a new car has been looming over me for months. But I have been putting it off. I have a million excuses that I use to convince myself that I don’t need to buy another car yet: its too expensive- I could just take transit-- my car works why sell it?
But the truth is I am afraid. The fear of making the wrong choice, getting myself in a financial bind, or feeling trapped, overwhelm me. This is the same fear that kept me trudging off to the library to use email, scheduling paper writing around when room mates were using their computer, and avoiding male relationships so that my first kiss was with a cast mate not a boyfriend.
But the times my friends they are a changing. I have purchased a laptop, leaped out into auditions and career, and am looking into buying a smart car. The fear is still there buts its nagging no longer clings to me like a familiar friend - it is anxiety that I know is nothing but an obstacle.
This is one tall girl who is about to buy one small car and while I might not be ready to fly over uncharted roads, this gal’s switching lanes, and life better watch out.