Kamloops, the city we are rehearsing in, is one of the only places in Canada to be classified as a "desert". The land is jutting and exposed, layers of brown with only the occasional manicured green lawn for reprieve. It is so dry here that M.'s eyes are going red with her contacts in, all of our skin seems to be drinking up the moisturizer we put on it, and even the ground itself seems to crack open.
I have become a bit of a semi-arid desert myself of late. Rehearsals are HARD, physically exhausting and technically demanding. Its hard to present a confidant front when each hour seems to break down your self-esteem and each criticism drain your last bit of energy. My carefully presented surface is cracking under stress and exhaustion.
Because all of the company is living together while we are on tour it is impossible to hide anything. I do not like to show weakness, especially here, as I already feel like the underdog in this group -- having far less dance training and ability. I am spent...completely. And it doesn't help that this city is teeming with painful memories from my past. The girls noticed and M . and A. tried to give me a hug, I refused. Sometimes I feel like love is like water in a desert. It is exactly what I need, but even one drop will bring the whole pillar of sand crumbling down, leaving me a muddy mess.
It is difficult for me to accept love...I have always felt that isolating myself, and surviving on my own is safer. If my ability to be whole does not relie on anyone else then no one can disappoint me. But the truth is I have -like all humans- always craved love. I have longed for people who would break through my tough front and love me. Seeing this wall cracking down, around near strangers no less, is incredibly painful. Painful but also healing --when I finally allowed myself to cry in front of the women in the dance company it was a relief. I was bare and exposed and it was wonderful.
The desert seems harsh at first, the rocks and dirt a rough replacement for the greenery of home...but I am learning that it can be beautiful. When the sun sets here the pinks of the sky intermingle with the orange browns of the ground swirling me into the landscape...like a comforting embrace.
The time for refusing love has come to an end.
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